Running Back to Basics
Yesterday I went on my first run of the year, and it was exhilarating. Running has become a huge part of my life, but was especially significant to me near the end of 2020 and the beginning of 2021. During peak quarantining, running was the only activity I did. After being cooped up in the house for 73 days straight, running felt like absolute freedom. I began to create bigger goals for myself which eventually led me to register for my first half marathon in January 2021. I registered for the Miami Half Marathon, but due to Covid it was being held virtually; meaning you ran on your own and recorded the miles through the Nike Training app. On January 29th, I ran 13.1 miles, nonstop, with a time of 02:23:40. It was an incredibly momentous occasion that I don’t think I’ve ever fully processed.
Before my run yesterday, I set my goal to run three miles. However, I reminded myself to go easy as I tend to come back from my running breaks with high expectations. But yesterday’s mood felt different. I felt the rush of the New Year and resolutions, so I was motivated to run three miles nonstop. And with all the energy I had, I did not complete my goal. The moment right before I stopped to walk, I was slightly annoyed with myself. I bargained and said, “you don’t even have to jog, just bounce while speed walking.” Whatever that meant. As I slowed to a walk, I reminded myself that in order for me to get back to where I once was, I’d have to start from the beginning. Working out after a break is the most humbling experience. It truly does not matter what you were once capable of doing. All that matters is what you’re able to do now.
After I walked about half a mile, I started my stride up again. I was rested and ready to finish my run and I did. I was incredibly proud of myself to have found the energy to run in 2022.
Moving Through 2022
If I could describe the first day of 2022 in one word it would be, moving. The first and obvious reason behind this is how I literally moved out of my home today. A home that was a remedy for the pandemic. A home that provided space and serenity during a time of utter chaos. A home that I am forever grateful to have lived in. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am not new to moving. I have become somewhat of a nomad in recent years. And with each place I’ve lived in, I’ve become less and less attached to the space. It’s allowed me to develop a presence to my dwellings and appreciate them for the time they lend.
The second reason I chose this word was due to the emotions I felt today. Amid the packing and sorting of my things, I decided to watch the highly anticipated Harry Potter 20th Anniversary Reunion. I wasn’t the biggest Harry Potter fan, but I grew up watching the series. As I watched the cast reminisce about their humble beginnings, and their journey through the years, I found myself in tears. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed these films and the many stories within them. It also dawned on me that I grew up with the cast as I am only a few years younger than the main characters. As I watched the reunion, I began to understand the importance of closing chapters in our lives.
When I first moved out of my childhood home, I remember feeling extremely emotional. It was a home I had known for more than 20 years. And what was even more difficult was I couldn’t have the farewell I wanted because I was living in another country when my family moved out. I remember planning so many rituals and imaging myself celebrate the last time I’d wash my clothes, the last time I’d drink water from the kitchen sink, or the last night of sleep in my bed. It was difficult for me to swallow at the time, but the reality is life is not going to wait until you’re ready to close chapters. Sometimes you’ll have opportunities, like the cast of Harry Potter, to have a beautifully produced reunion filled with people uttering perfect sentiments to one another. Other times you may find yourself in a completely different country, mentally picturing your childhood bedroom so you can say goodbye to it quietly.
Today, as I cleared every room, I began to quietly take mental snapshots. These were moments of gratitude as I looked at the empty spaces that were once filled with life. There was nothing else that I needed to do. I felt ready amidst the movement and it’s quite a special place to be in.
Still We Rise
I sit here, outside with sunlight coating my skin, hours away from 2022. The bright light warms my spirit, yet if I stare directly at it for too long it becomes painful for my eyes. Instead, I appreciate how the sun illuminates everything around me; the reflection on the water, my Aquafina water bottle, the shadow of the palm trees on the ground. I’ve come to meditate in the grace of sunlight to provide comfort and reassurance when I feel uneasy. A true reminder in appreciating light after darkness.
After 2020, the sun took on a different meaning for me. It was a consistent reminder of hope. But in a lot of ways, I realized the sun mirrors us. With each passing day, it takes on different shapes. It rises and sets from different perspectives. Some days it would shine bright on its own, other days it leaned on the support from clouds. And through it all, it continues to rise and shine.
Whatever the new year has in store, remember the sun will continue to rise. Keep looking on the bright side of life and you will continue to find beauty. In the words of the glorious Dr. Maya Angelou, “Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise.”
Happy New Year.
Home is Home
There are a couple of things on my mind that I want to jot down:
You never know how a day will end and that is a beautiful mystery.
I am eternally grateful for my family.
Giving away stuff you’ve accumulated can feel exhilarating.
A clean and organized space has the power to unleash your mind.
Some of what I mentioned are insights, but if you’re sensing I just completed a big move then you are correct. Moving can be an overwhelming task, especially if you wait until the last minute. But once you’re in that rhythm, you feel unstoppable. I have a high from cleaning out my closet and donating the clothes and belongings that I’ve outgrown.
Over the last few years, I’ve been living somewhat of a nomadic life. Moving and living light has become a staple in my day-to-day. I absolutely love it because it’s allowed me to live in incredible places, but it also challenges me when I think of where “home” is. These past few years have taught how “home” is much more of a feeling than a physical location. I guess I could say home is where home is. I do get moments where I want to simply belong to one city. However, I feel extremely grateful to be attached to physical places, but rather to the people in my life that make me feel at home wherever I am.
A Terse Entry
Yesterday I didn’t write my daily thoughts. To make up for it, I’m writing twice today. It was one of those days that just slipped away. I told myself I would sit down with a cup of tea and pour out whatever I was feeling but one task led to another, then another, then the day was over. I’m trying to stay committed to my practice of writing every day but the reality is, you get caught up sometimes. And when I miss a day of writing, a small neon sign in my head lights up that says, “You failed!” I know you may be thinking I’m extremely hard on myself. I am, but I use humor to get through my moments of doubt.
I also need to remember that whatever I write, comes from what I’m feeling in the moment. Some days I can write long entries and other days may be extremely terse. (I learned this word when I was studying for the GMAT). I shouldn’t compare one day of writing to another. There’s a part of me that feels I must always deliver at my greatest potential but honestly, I just want to do the best that I can at any given time. So, here’s to keeping things terse!
Older
No one ever talks about the first month after you enter a new age decade. That awkward time when you’re trying to wrap your mind around the end of an era, while welcoming the beginning of a new one. I liken it to what some of us are experiencing now; the days between Christmas and New Year. It’s like no (wo)man’s land. I turned 30 nearly a month ago, but I have yet to feel like I’m in my 30s. While I still feel 29, I realize I’m entering an important era of my life. I say that because small things I overlooked in my twenties seem to carry more weight now. Take yesterday as an example. I was braiding my hair when I began to notice how much thinner it’s become. I still have very thick hair but the density has lessened in the past 4 years. I definitely noticed this in my late twenties but now, at 30, it feels different. With a bit of haste, I started looking up how to naturally thicken my hair. It was like I had a mini panic attack about aging but then again, who hasn’t? On the flipside, I’m truly excited about getting older. I see how much I’ve stepped into my own, created healthy boundaries for myself, and focused on the goals I wish to accomplish.
However, what’s become apparent to me is how little I’ve stayed committed to the habits I told myself I’d start in my 20s, and carry over into my 30s. Now that I have arrived, it’s clear that whatever healthy lifestyle habits I wished to have, has to start right now. I say this not with a sense of panic but with an awareness that nothing will magically come to fruition just because I’m getting older. I’m happy that I came to this realization because it helped me see that “one day” starts today. Putting off a goal is procrastination in the worst way. If there is something I want, I need to realize the value in that goal. I need to honor the value I give myself. And when it comes to investing in your wellbeing, there is no time to waste.
The Infamous Blank Page
The practice of writing daily is lessening my fear of the “blank page.” You know, when you have to write something, could be a journal, an article, or a school assignment, and you open that new document and see a white page filled with nothing, does that not terrify you? That’s a bit of a loaded question but I was always intimidated by that blank page. I still am. Even starting these daily thoughts, my first post was about how I can be paralyzed by my doubts before I even begin to write. We all have that voice in our head that yells out our insecurities. If I could give you a visual of mine, it’s a miniaturized version of myself sitting on my shoulders (much like in movies where the devil and angel stand on either side) and it has something to say about every move that I make. That’s exactly what self-criticism feels like for me.
While that voice still lurks in my head, I’ve found that the only way to quiet it down, is to do the very thing that it’s criticizing me for. In this case, fill the blank page. No overthinking, just write and release. What’s wild is, just this morning, I began revisiting old articles that I wanted to submit to be published. These were stories I started but talked myself out of finishing because I believed they weren’t strong enough to be featured. Today, I’m proud to say that I finished a personal essay and sent it off in hopes to be published. Whether or not it gets published, or if I even get a response at all, the real win is finishing something I started. So I’m grateful for this process and excited to see what more will come.
A Bad Binge
This is the 11th day in a row that I have been writing my daily thoughts. I am reluctant to be proud of myself just yet but at the same time, I have to acknowledge the progress I’ve been making. I am proud of myself. I guess it’s weird acknowledging it today, when I didn’t feel like writing. I wanted to simply enjoy the sweetness of doing nothing. So, I indulged in a deep binge of the show I’m currently watching, Succession.
I was close to finishing the third season when I began to wonder why I was feeling awful. Not because the show was ending but because the show, in its nature, was unpleasant. The storyline, the actors, the cinematography are all excellent but the show is a cutthroat depiction of an unbelievably wealthy media tycoon whose kids are savagely pit against one another in hopes of being named the company’s successor. I feel like I’m writing a review. I think what I realized, after my bad binge, was how much I wrap myself in the storylines of the shows and movies that I watch. I think that’s why we love to watch anything really, because we’re moved by the stories and use it to escape our reality. Stories can be inspiring, scary, happy, funny, dark, and dramatic. It allows us to understand people from complete opposite ends of the spectrum. I am not writing all this to say that I will avoid shows like this, but I’m just observing how much I invested in watching something that was giving me bad energy. And the crazy thing is, I finished watching the season. The curiosity I had to know how the season ended trumped the bad vibes. I write this partly laughing at myself but also in trying to understand how I take care of my energy. It’s also made me realize just how much I’ve consumed and perhaps I need to take a break. I love watching TV, I have ever since I was a kid, but I think I’ve been overindulging for quite some time. A cleanse is in order.
What Christmas Means to Me
Right now, in this moment, there is nothing more or less that I want. And it’s not because it’s Christmas. I just feel that I have come to appreciate the holidays for what they truly are. I don’t know how to capture it exactly, but I don’t feel that today is any more special than days prior and that makes me happy. In the past, I have felt the pressure of what the holidays should be. Gifts, parties, choosing the perfect outfit, looking fit, and spinning the optics of your life to seem perfect, just to name a few. I felt deeply caught up in the mainstream pageantry of it all. These were pressures I allowed to be placed on myself. This year I feel that I have finally divested from what this time of the year “should” be and allowed for it to be what it is. I am simply grateful for everything that I have today. Family, food, a home, and joy. These are precious things that money can only buy a small portion of. Everything else comes from within and the energy you surround yourself with. And with everything you receive, remember to give. Whatever you can and whatever seems right.
So, my gift to you is this:
Close your eyes and take a deep breath.
Say to yourself what three things you are grateful for.
Tell someone how much you love them.
Give what you can.
A Feast of Creativity
Today I am in chef mode. Top of mind is this Christmas Eve feast that I’m preparing for my family, so I thought I’d give a little insight into my plans for today. This year I’m making a Mediterranean dinner. I love cooking in the style of small plates, so I decided to make a nice lamb roast and allow for everyone to make their own mini-Gyros.
Since the pandemic began, cooking has become a creative outlet for me. I started challenging myself by looking up my favorite cuisines and recreating them at home. I began making street tacos, Pad Thai, burgers, baklava, sweet potato fries, flatbread pizza, ribs, steak, mac and cheese, and Thai coconut soup all from scratch. My family jokingly referred to my time in the kitchen as, “Aida’s Diner.” And these dishes didn’t turn out great the first few times that I made them. Most definitely not. I had to make them several times in order to improve from what I cooked the first round. But slowly, I started to see improvements. My dishes began to not only look edible, but mouth-watering delicious. But what surprised me even more is the amount of confidence that I gained within myself. The confidence not in me making the best food, but rather the confidence to even try out the recipes.
Cooking revived a creativity boost that I had been missing for quite some time. I allowed doubts to get in the way of certain projects I wanted to pursue. But when it came to cooking, I simply researched recipes I felt I could try, bought the necessary ingredients, and followed the steps. Now I could say that it was easy to do because I’m just following steps. However, that would be diminishing the patience, discipline, focus, and hard work that I put into the food I prepare. And with each finished dish, there’s that moment of disbelief that I, Aida, could make this. A sense of pride for not only providing sustenance, but sprinkling my creativity all around it. So in a way, I am grateful for my time in the pandemic. It sparked a light within, that I felt had dimmed quite low.
What Is Best?
I wonder why I begin to start doing good for myself when I feel that I am in crisis mode? When I feel unwell, I begin to think about taking better care of myself. When I am working last minute on a deadline, it dawns on me that I should really be more proactive in my process. Every time an issue arises, I say, “next time I’ll do this,” or “I won’t make this same mistake again.” I realize that everyone has this problem but when the next time does come around, I find myself making the same choices that put me in the same sunken situation. There is a part of me that truly wants to cut off the bad habits and just do and be better for myself. Way easier said than done. But maybe it is easy? When I think of making changes in my mind I think of a total overhaul and makeover of myself. I don’t think that’s necessarily accurate. The reality is whatever shift I am trying to make occurs in the details.
Now that I have entered my 30s, time seems a lot more precious to me. Seizing moments and opportunities right now instead of daydreaming about “one day.” But also making the changes I want to see right here and now. I often picture this new and improved Aida who is always on top of her game but how realistic is that? There will be ebbs and flows but what makes more sense is that even in moments that I’m not at my best, I still make the decisions that are better for me. I want to make a commitment to myself that I’ll always do what’s best for me. That way, as each moment comes, I can make the choices that best fit the situation. Breaking it down to smaller chunks of reality, instead of living in the future, is a lot more tangible.
Time. To. Rest.
How do you determine when you need a moment to stop and breathe? Ever since I graduated from high school, it became apparent to me that I am now the person who firmly decides what I do with my time. Actually, after I graduated college. That’s when I felt the sole weight of being my timekeeper. There was no one around telling me I’m going to be late for the next thing on my list or suggesting I should take a break from writing that paper. Teachers in grade school were like our assistants. I don’t say that to belittle their impact on us, I mean that to amplify just how important they were to not only our educational development but our relationship with time. They told us when to work and when to take a break. They pushed us when we wanted to give up on a task at hand. And speaking for myself, I am much better for it. I am so grateful that I was surrounded by a community who saw more in me than I ever did. However, now, as an adult I’ve become so critical of what I should be doing at all times of the day. When I’m resting, I tell myself I should be working, when I’m working, I remind myself to take a break but then feel guilty when too much time is taken. Where’s the balance?
I think we’ve become fixated with time as it relates to productivity. What are we producing every day? Could we increase our efficiency? Are we being productive in all facets of our lives? More recently, have we started talking about balancing our lives in a more holistic way. Companies have appointed chief wellness officers whose jobs are to focus on enhancing the well-being of their employees. But the question that I still find myself asking is, “when do I give myself permission to rest?” I am still production oriented where I feel that I need to earn my rest rather than presently checking in to see if I need rest or not. It’s a journey of unlearning and learning anew. If I can stop measuring time with productivity, then I can begin to develop a new relationship and measure time with being.
Writing to Write
Today, I am not sure what I want to write about. And that’s okay. This particular practice of writing isn’t meant to generate hits on my site. Rather, it’s a practice of writing in and of itself. And more than anything, I want this to be a transparent stream of my thoughts. I’m actually reminded of a creative journey I went through, earlier this year, with a group of friends. We were presented with an opportunity to go through a 12-week creative journey titled, the Artist’s Way. Maybe you’re familiar with it, but if you’re not it’s a book that was initially published in the 1990s by a woman named Julia Cameron. She designed this book to help individuals tap deeply into their creative spirit. Each week, you’re presented with passages regarding the creative journey and are tasked with activities to help you overcome your fears, doubts, and insecurities. While at times there was an overwhelming number of activities to complete, one of the cornerstone practices was to write three pages every single day. This activity was called, Morning Pages. As stated clearly in the book, it did not matter what you wrote but that you commit to writing three pages every day. You could be writing, “I don’t know what to write” for three pages and that works. What it taught me was, the act of showing up is sometimes more important than the task itself.
I know there is a part of me that wants to seem polished when it comes to doing anything creative. It’s hard being vulnerable and declaring to the world, “I’m trying something and I’m a little insecure about my progress but just bear with me.” But the reality is, if I waited until I felt ready, I would never be ready. Create and release. I am simply invested in creating for the purpose of releasing the ideas that I have within, and the gratification that comes with that.
New Year, Okay?
I never feel that I’m prepared to usher in the new year according to society. Right now, I’m thinking, “wow 2022 is 11 days away, crazy.” That’s it. I can envision what I’m supposed to feel, “new year, new me,” “goals, goals, goals,” “no more sweets in 2022.” The new year is supposed to mark one full rotation of our planet around its star, the sun. When I think of it like that, I’m moved spiritually. We’re used to simply thinking about how we will be in the new year. But beyond us, our planet, the animals, oceans, grass, trees, and universe are all another year older. That’s magical.
If I were to create a resolution for 2022, it would be to look beyond myself. To be present with the spirit of all living beings. To allow my spirit to connect deeply with its surroundings. To be nurtured and healed by mama earth. To nurture not only my body but my soul. To live each day so deeply in tune with every breath and embody the spirit of water with its ebbs and flows. I want to live alongside our earth, not just on it.
What Are Boundaries on Social Media?
When it came to posting or creating any type of content to share online, I became so critical of myself. Every post or non-post meant something. There were events that prompted us to collectively share our reactions and emotions. And we know so much of what’s going on around the world that we’re sometimes judged on whether we speak on certain matters or not. In fact, we know too much about what’s going on in the world which can be incredibly overwhelming. There is beauty in this digital era we’re in, but it’s not to say that it’s easy to navigate. In the last few years, I’ve found myself carrying out a presumed notion that I must share everything that’s going on in my life and how I feel about every trending matter. I was used to feeling defeated about not documenting or capturing moments around me. Or judged if I didn’t post my thoughts or reactions to breaking news. I was living for the imagine I wanted others to see of me. Then the pandemic came, and it drastically changed my orientation to social media. There were bouts I didn’t post for months because I simply didn’t care to engage or keep up appearances. We collectively felt the sores of what was happening in our world and that energy helped me to understand boundaries that needed to be made not just in real life but online as well.
I dropped any obligations I made for myself online. I dropped explanations and long captions filled with carefully selected words to express how I felt. I was acting as my own publicist. I began to see social media for the façade it was. In realizing that our virtual world can be anything we desire for it to be. If I wanted to fill my days posting about the sun, I’m going to do that. If I cooked something delicious one day and only post that, then disappear for months on end, that’s what it’s going to be.
I listened to what truly exhausted me about social media. I didn’t do much except for respect the boundaries that came natural to me. It’s an evolving journey.
A Fresh Start
I relish days like today. I woke up rested from a night of deep slumber. A headache from the previous night still lingered but I knew the remedy. I decided not to immediately plop myself in front of my computer screen and instead take a long shower and wash my hair. It’s a process to care for my hair which if you haven’t already seen, here is a video series I did over the last year that documents some solutions I figured out for myself and my fellow curlfriends. The day before, I had pre-detangled my curls to make for an easy wash day. After, I decided to wrap my hair and enjoy my morning coffee – outside. It was a beautiful morning and once again I thought drinking my morning coffee on a sunny day by the pool would continue to aide my headache. Thankfully, I was right. The headache vanished just as I took my last sip.
By then I was refreshed, light, and decided to begin plaiting my hair. I just love using the UK word for braiding. And while I was plaiting, I decided to catch up on my newest favorite TV show, Succession. I didn’t realize how quickly I went through the first season these last couple of days. Once finished my plaits, I was inspired to do a little cleaning. Vacuumed around the house, organized my clothes. I made a quick kale and arugula salad for lunch and now find myself writing about this day with a hot cup of chamomile by my side.
As I reflect on what today has meant for me, it’s that I just love a fresh start to my day. I was very aware of my screen use and while it wasn’t completely avoided, I know the value in changing my routine. How much lighter you can feel when you spend some time outside and less looking at screens.
How Do You Ignite Creativity?
In the last couple of years, I will admit, it has been hard for me to fire up my creative juices. Not to say it hasn’t happened, but I feel the moments of inspiration have been far and few between. And I could say it’s due to the pandemy, but a part of me knows it started before that. I am writing these thoughts today not because I have the answer, but because I am trying to learn more about my creative process.
Ideas pop into my head all the time. While I’m listening to a song, streaming a movie or a show, cooking, reading, walking around the neighborhood, going for a run, anytime. It’s almost like a small adrenaline rush when there’s an idea that I’m excited to explore. What I normally do is write it down somewhere. Then, I’ll daydream and imagine that idea coming to life, envisioning myself happy and proud when it’s been completed. In reality, and what has happened in the past is, I begin to think about the elements needed to put said idea together. It’s painful to admit this but it’s the truth. I slowly begin to see the challenges and imagine what others criticism might be, and ultimately psych myself out before I even begin. I end up having so many ideas that haven’t even seen the light of day because I’ve built a creative block. How do I breakthrough?
I’ve always envisioned my creative process to be of conception, creation, and execution. As simple as three steps. What I do know for sure is I am the only thing blocking myself from completing those steps. I guess the real question is, how do I overcome my own creative blocks?
Should Being Authentic Terrify You?
As I begin to write my thoughts today, I am instantly aware that this will be published, and others will read it. And that stifles my flow. What is it about the thought of others reading my words that paralyzes me from even starting? Am I afraid of being judged? Do I want to seem perfect and present myself as a person who has no flaws? What do I want out of this? Why am I even writing?
The questions are being projected on a loop in my head. What I am trying to understand is through my desire to share my thoughts, why do I stress about presenting myself in a certain way? All I want is to be who I am, authentically and unapologetically. As a daily practice, inspired by Seth Godin’s blog, I want to use this space to share my observations, thoughts, and questions. The beauty in releasing these thoughts, is a personal declaration to myself to live authentically. In addition, I am rewarded by the universe when I connect with other people who recognize my authentic spirit. For me, one of the greatest feelings in the world is being seen for exactly who you are.
The catch? If you never bask in your authenticity, you’ll miss out on the joy of being who you are.