Coffee Break Up?

I had way too much coffee today. It started with a grande size cup, which was much larger than my usual tall size. (Note: I didn’t have Starbucks, I’m only referencing their sizes).

At first, I thought it’d be too much. However, it had a lot of oat milk, so I figured it wouldn’t be as strong.

Then, I went out for a spontaneous brunch where we sat outside in the cold. We had heat lamps surround us, but I figured I needed something hot to drink so, yes you guessed it, I ordered another cup of coffee and oat milk.

By the time I was back home, I was all the way wired. I decided to take advantage of my extra dose of energy and cook up a storm. Halfway through cooking fried rice, I began to feel my energy slope down in a weird way. I began to feel anxious.

Anxiety is one of the worst feelings in the world. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all felt anxious for one reason or another. Often, when I overdo it on the caffeine, I’ll feel a visceral reaction to my mood.

A negative vibe that I can’t seem to shake. The common denominator will almost always be because of drinking too much coffee.

The feeling lingered all day but thankfully has since subsided. I didn’t do this, but I should’ve taken a moment to meditate and center myself. Breathing has such an incredible way of healing whatever it is I feel stressed about.

Instead, I tried to channel my energy towards creative moments. I continued to cook and document the process with videos and pictures, which made me very happy. I watched one of my favorite episodes of the Office, with my family. And just as the day was about to end, I captured the many colors and shades of tonight’s magical sunset.

I realized that the antidote to my anxiety, was being present to the joyful moments around me. As for taking a break from coffee? I’ll see how I feel in the morning.

R&R

Being a freelancing consultant means creating your own schedule. It’s an amazing amount of freedom you have, but it does take a lot of discipline.

The biggest part I struggle with is time management, which is evident in my earlier posts. However, it’s not solely about managing my time for projects, but in making time for myself.

On Thursday, I delivered a project I had been working on, so Friday became my “Saturday.” Little by little, I spent the day cleaning and cleansing my apartment and myself.

It felt amazing. After flying in almost two weeks ago, I felt like I had back-to-back days of just constant movement and being busy. Yesterday felt like a moment to nest and care for myself which was extremely needed.

At the same time, I wondered why it took so long for a day like this to happen.

 It reminds me of something I wrote a few posts ago where I still believe I need to “earn” my rest. If I’ve been running myself thin for the last two weeks, I should’ve scheduled small doses of self-care to keep my energy and stamina high. Hindsight is 20/20.

I also need to remind myself that this is a process of learning self-care. I must learn how to prioritize myself even in the midst of chaos.

Be Water

For so long I’ve wanted to be the person that has it all together. Who’s incredible at multitasking, on top her work and creative projects, and can make time for others whenever they need her.

Some of you may be reading this and are thinking, “Aida, that’s impossible.” However, I still get in these phases where I just want to be and do everything.

Of course, reality hits me hard when it turns out not to be true. And then I’m left with asking, “what should I strive to be then?” I don’t have an answer for that.

The truth is, there are moments where I want to take on the world, and others where I want to be a complete recluse.

I tend to make absolute statements about myself. When I defiantly say I’m this or that, an expectation is created. And then, if I fall short or exceed that expectation, it affects my behavior one way or another.

No too long ago I heard someone say, strive to be like water. Move with your surroundings. Fall into the flow of the current. Don’t resist the energy around you, become a part of it. To be as free flowing as water, you must let go.

Sometimes I want to let go, but I know I’m still holding on tight.  

I, Iterate

Something very interesting occurred to me yesterday. As I was writing a text to a friend, I realized how important drafts were. My friend had asked me a simple question, but apparently, I couldn’t offer a simple answer.

Before I knew it, I had drafted a couple of paragraphs talking about things that were way off topic. There was no reason to go on a tangent, so I decided to dial back my response.

Once I finally sent the concise text that I was happy with, I felt grateful for the iterations that it went through. And then the more I thought about it, we are basically iterations of ourselves.

I know more today, than what I knew yesterday. I love the word iteration because it represents a shift towards a newer version of something.

At different times in my life, I felt stuck and thought I’d reach an age where I’d be the same version of myself and never change. That’s a super depressing, and false, thought.

There’s absolutely no way we stay the same. Every day presents so many new moments, opportunities, and challenges to become new iterations of ourselves. As we live and breathe, we become better versions of who we are.

A Word of Gratitude

An incredibly special part of writing and posting my thoughts daily, has been receiving thoughtful feedback and comments from my virtual community. I’ll probably get around 5-10 comments per week and they’re the unexpected highlight from this journey. Reading how my words have resonated with someone else is the most rewarding and nourishing gift I could receive.  

In the era of social media, I’ve been able to show parts of me, that in real life, you may not see so quickly. I think there’s something so special about freely residing in your digital corner and sharing the moments that capture you. What I mean by that is, when you’re in-person, others can jump in and possibly interfere with whatever it is you’re trying to do. But if you’re able to be in your own space and share whatever it is that speaks to you, when you feel called upon to do so, there’s a profound sense of liberation. Where you’re the closest to your source of pure authenticity.

And in that authentic space, for someone to take a moment and recognize how you made them feel, is the best feeling in the world.

All this to say, I feel incredibly grateful whenever someone takes the time to comment or share about how my words made them feel. It’s as if someone is saying to me, “I see you for exactly who you are in this moment.”

So thank you.

Choosing Joy Over Rejection

Continued from the previous post - I woke up around midday yesterday, after pulling an all-nighter. It was extremely strange to go to bed at 8am on a Monday. Ending your “day” while everyone else began theirs felt awkward. However, I remember feeling incredibly productive and pleased with my deliverables.

I’ve done all-nighters before where I would just do the bare-minimum because I’d be so exhausted. This time was different. This was an opportunity that I wanted to intentionally give my all, and I did.

Starting my day in the afternoon felt like I was living off the grid. 2pm became the new 9am for me and I felt incredibly rebellious. I had planned to spend the day at home catching up on my schedule, but then I received an invite to join my cousins for a late lunch. And I was so happy I did.

It was one of those lunches where the conversation was simply joyous. Over delicious food, we discussed so many interesting topics and sat for hours, in no rush to leave. Moments like these are always precious but experiencing this during the pandemic is an absolute treasure

Even though I was running off a few hours of sleep, I felt incredible. I had a productive night and a perfect social outing. When I returned home, I began catching up on the notifications I missed on my phone.

I received a response from my client who was pleased with the work I delivered, but expressed we wouldn’t be moving forward with future projects. I was shocked. This project was part of a trial run, but I thought I did exactly what he had asked.

Immediately, I started to feel rejected. And it didn’t help that he was so positive in his delivery of not wanting to work together. He expressed how he appreciated my thoroughness and research behind the subject area but didn’t provide details as to why he no longer needed my services.

I wasn’t sure how to feel after I read that. Usually, I can match up the response I anticipate from others based on my level of effort. In this case, I had miscalculated.

The enthusiasm and high I felt from day started to fade. I had another project to work on but felt unmotivated at that point. Then, I began to ask myself; does receiving this one critique negate the joy I had been feeling?

I know the answer should be no, but if I’m being honest, I’m still confused. I sent a response to the client expressing how much I appreciated the opportunity to work with him. And as hesitant as I was, I pushed myself to ask him if there was any feedback he’d be willing to share regarding my work. He hasn’t responded and I’m not sure if I’m excited to read what he has to say, but I know it’s what I need to do.

There will be plenty of moments when I’ll feel incredible about my work, while others may not. That doesn’t mean I should crumble. If I can say I gave it my all, what’s there to be upset about? What I choose to do next is all that matters. I can either stay with this feeling of rejection or be curious to understand the other person’s perspective and keep growing. I choose the latter.

What My All-Nighter Taught Me About Myself

For the last day and a half, my schedule was out of whack. On Sunday, I was working diligently to meet a deadline for a client’s project. I’ll admit, I had partially procrastinated on it, but reflecting on it now, I had just moved earlier in the week and was scrambling to get settled. So, it was a mix of procrastination and exhaust.

All of Sunday, I was typing away on my laptop trying to write these long form articles. It became clear in the afternoon that I would need to pull an all-nighter if I wanted these articles to be delivered on time the next day. And so, I did just that.

It felt like I was back in university, at UW in Odegaard library, with my coffee in hand for the long night ahead. What was interesting this time around was how unusually calm I was about the whole situation.

In the past, whenever I found myself in a bind for a deadline, I would criticize myself endlessly for mismanaging my time. I’d become so hard on myself for choosing to put tasks off and then basically stress work until it was done.

And I hate to pull all-nighters. I’m a “sleep now and wake up early to finish,” type of person. It was only because I knew I had a deadline that I pushed myself to stay up.

However, there was no putting myself down. I acknowledged how I should’ve incrementally worked on the articles, but I kept my energy light and reminded myself to just keep at it.

I was proud of how I handled it and even found humor in the situation. I even tried recording myself doing a Tik Tok dance during my breaks but eventually decided against it. Y’all not ready for that.

This was a moment, I acknowledged, as one of growth for me. I felt myself consciously let go of tension that wasn’t serving me. I couldn’t be more proud.

How Deep Is Your Love?

I’m trying to write my thoughts for the day, but I can’t stop singing as I type these words. In a high pitch falsetto voice, I’m singing, “How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees. It’s one of my favorite love songs. As a way to procrastinate on tasks I’m supposed to be working on, I decided to watch the Bee Gees HBO documentary today, for the second time.

Last spring, I watched the documentary for the first time and was absolutely fascinated with the story and music of the Bee Gees. At the time, I only knew of their classic, “Stayin’ Alive,” which I loved. What kept me glued to the screen was learning about their era defining disco hits that I previously thought were sung by Black artists. Throughout the documentary they mentioned and acknowledged how much their sound was influenced by R&B and soul, which is absolutely evident in their sound during the 70s and 80s.

At the time I watched their documentary, I was living in Miami which played an integral part to their story of success as a musical group. The city lent itself as the backdrop as they recorded some of their most iconic songs. I remember listening to their hits as I’d walked around the city, trying to imagine how the weather, sun, and palm trees cultivated these incredible songs. It’s safe to say I became obsessed.

According to my Spotify wrapped, the Bee Gees were my top artist where I clocked in 1,296 minutes for 2021. I can’t really explain it, when something resonates with me, I get hooked.

Watching the documentary for the second time, I’m once again inspired by their beautiful yet tragic story. They were a group of brothers who were brilliant songwriters. From the 60s to the 80s, they managed to be one of the most famous bands in the world, turned into one of the most hated, then moved behind the scenes to be songwriters for some of the most iconic artists of our time. And sadly, out of the four talented brothers, only one remains, living in Miami not very far from where I lived.

The lesson I took from their story is one of passion, family, love, and resilience. Their kinship as brothers was the magic that created their music. They managed to keep their spark lit and share it with the world. And their music continues to spark something magical within me.

This Is 30.

I am very proud to write that this is my 30th post. I’ve managed to inscribe, and publish, my daily thoughts for the past month. I started this project with the intent to share my ideas, insights, and observations daily, and so far, I have done so successfully.

Initially, I was worried that I’d run out of “interesting” thoughts to talk about and begin forcing myself to write entries that I felt others would want to read. But that wasn’t the purpose of this series. Whether anyone read it or not was irrelevant, this space was created as a place to liberate my mind. However, I have absolutely enjoyed reading the beautiful comments, and feedback, from friends and future friends. It’s an honor to hear how your words have resonated with someone.

I’m grateful for this journey. It’s pushed me to be transparent and authentic with each post I write, and that makes me proud. What’s most surprising about this voyage are the doors that have indirectly opened.

I never imagined how much confidence I’d gain in my writing, and overall, within myself. I stopped wasting time overthinking and took more action. I became active and began naming what I wanted to pursue. I began to think about what I could gain as opposed to what I could lose. And often, I had nothing to lose.

I witnessed the reward in stepping forth and claiming what you want. Opportunities began to flow in my direction. Moves I was once afraid to make, have now become exciting leaps I’m ready to take. The rhyming was unintentional with that last line, but it just flows.

This past month, she has built herself to be bolder. Thankful for all that she’s learned about herself. She is blooming and, without fail, continues to write her story.

She Said Yes, But Should’ve Said No

Last night, as I wrote in my previous post, I was drained, irritable, frustrated, and physically exhausted. After a night of refreshing sleep, I have a little more clarity. I knew exactly what took me out. It was the result of a single word, yes. For the people I love, I do whatever I can to be a part of their joy. While that’s something I will continue to do for the rest of my life, it became evident that I wasn’t putting myself first.

Yesterday was a productive day for me, and I became more energetic with the more I accomplished. With that energy, I took on more responsibilities, and said yes to any task no matter how big or small. It wasn’t until later in the evening that I felt the full weight of all that I agreed to.

While I want to be of service for the people in my life, I have to look out for myself. Growing up, my mom would always emphasize the example of putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else’s as a metaphor for self-care. I can’t expect to take care of anyone if I don’t first take care of myself. That means saying no even when I want to say yes.

When we make sure our own needs are met, we become better utilized to help and be there for the people in our lives.

No Write Mood

I am in no mood to write today. It’s been another exhausting day of stretching myself thin. I’ve been a day behind on my daily thought’s posts and it’s frustrating. Every day, I say I’m going to catch up, but then get busy with something else. But I still want to write. Even when I don’t.

I can’t ignore how much writing has helped me this past month. The confidence, creativity, and purpose that I’ve discovered within myself is beyond anything I could’ve imagined. I owe it to myself to continue and honor the process. For I do not know the potential that this moment has to impact my life for the better.

Stretching

Catching up. That’s all I’ve been doing these past few days. Catching up on work, home projects, daily thoughts, everything. It feels incredible to be home, but I feel like I haven’t caught my breath since I walked through the door. To my delight, I’ve been given more projects to take on, but it’s been a challenge to manage during a time of transition. It’s both rewarding and overwhelming, all at once. However, I’ve managed to keep myself steady and focused, but I see how this pace can accumulate tension if I don’t pause and decompress. Through all of this, I can’t help but notice how familiar this experience is to a seemingly unrelated part of my life.

A couple years back, when I was a gym rat, I learned what really causes muscle soreness after a workout. I may butcher this explanation, but as you work out, your muscles begin to tear because you’re exercising them. In the days after your workout, your muscles will begin to repair themselves, building your body’s strength and endurance. You’ll also feel the soreness and discomfort, especially after the first couple of times you work out. But as you become more consistent with the workouts, the pain becomes less intense, and you build up your stamina.

To circle back, I’m currently feeling the soreness from how much I’m stretching myself as I take on more responsibilities. It’s uncomfortable, overwhelming, and breaks are an absolute must, but it’s part of building strength. You can’t expect to grow without experiencing some growing pains.

Grounded

Yesterday, after a month of being in transit, I made contact with the proverbial ground. I have never been more grateful to walk into a place I call home. To be steady, still, calm, and away from chaos, is the most luxurious blessing. Without paying close attention to the details, so many beautiful things have fallen into place. I feel the synchronicity with various parts of my life. I wonder if it has to do with doubts I’ve chosen to let go?

This isn’t to say my life is free from issues. Far from it. It’s to say that as issues arise, I’ve become adaptive and have made it a point to find the positive, the bright side, in life. I believe there’s always one if you’re patient and allow for it to reveal itself. However, I acknowledge that this insight comes from the experiences that I’ve had. This isn’t me preaching by any means, just reflecting on thoughts as usual.

And right now, I’m taking the time to pause and be present with this special moment.

When In Doubt, Work It Out

I wrote this entry in the wee hours of the morning. I planned to post it last night, but found myself dozing off and typing a word every thirty seconds. Without further ado, yesterday’s entry…

Something special happened to me today. It was a day spent with focus and diligence on projects with looming deadlines. Throughout the day, I caught myself having flashbacks to high school where I’d get stress and procrastinate on my work. I was waiting for that moment to kick in. It did, but I worked through it. 

I sit here once again, writing this post at 2:02am from an entirely different headspace than the one I was in a few nights back. I completed everything that I set out to do today. And it feels surreal.

The pride I feel, is not only from the work I produced, but in overcoming the internal challenges I faced. I kept giving myself excuses; I’m not settled at the moment, I haven’t slept much, I need more time, it’s been a while since I’ve worked on a project like this. There were even a few times today when I wanted to call quits and just settle for mediocrity.

However, I understood what was at stake if I gave in for those reasons. I’d ruin all the progress and value I had already put in. I made a commitment, not just to those who trust in my talent, but to myself. I created new opportunities for myself that I believed would help me grow. And worries will creep in, but I shouldn’t be afraid of them. Just because I have doubts doesn’t mean I’ll give in. It’s part of the process and today I learned the value they have.

In the Middle

There’s not much on my mind at the moment because my mind feels like its elsewhere. Like I’m existing in multiple places at once. I feel like I’m in the middle of thoughts and as such, haven’t made up my mind about any.

I know it’s because I have important deadlines approaching, which is all I can think about. And I’m still in transition, traveling, and not feeling settled in any place.

If I’m being honest, I’ve spent my whole life existing in the spaces in-between. It’s become a place of comfort and familiarity. There’s so much that I have to say about that, but this isn’t the time.

I look forward to the day that I can vividly articulate just what this in-between space means to me.

Time to Dwell?

Here I am, it’s 1:01am and I’m working on tasks that I envisioned I would have made a lot more progress on earlier in the day. In the last few days, there have been so many minor adjustments to my schedule which have accumulated to massive delays on my current projects. It’s hard not to feel defeated. And on top of that, I decided to write these thoughts before I started my work session for the evening. I felt like releasing these thoughts, before I resumed work, would ultimately increase my productivity. (I’ll report back if my theory is correct).

However, I realize that this is a moment to reflect and process. And while I feel frustrated with myself, I know this is the best time to work through whatever it is I’m feeling. Taking time to reflect, can alleviate unnecessary tension. So, in this moment here are some questions I have for myself:

• How will dwelling or stressing about my inefficient day help me resolve what I need to do?

• What can I do for myself to better handle my time?

• Are there boundaries I need to put in place to protect my creative space? (Spoiler alert: yes)

• How can I communicate my boundaries in a respectful way?

• Am I acknowledging the progress I make considering unforeseen circumstances?

• How can I mitigate the feeling of frustration when certain things aren’t going as I envisioned?

As I write, and think about these questions, the tension has already begun to dissipate. This is a process that I will continue to learn from, but I think what’s important about this moment is that I’ve implemented this crucial time to reflect.  

Breathe to Reset

Today was a busy day. Not so much physically but mentally. Taking on new projects means having to switch gears and create space for something new. A time to adjust. Today was that for me.

Throughout the day, I noticed how easily I could slip back into old doubtful patterns that could potentially stifle my productivity. Feeling my way through new territory brought up internal questions as to whether I took on too much too fast. If I was capable of handling something at a time of transition. However, I found that the best remedy to counteract these trains of thought was to just dive in. And I did just that.

I traded overthinking for action. I could feel myself being unsure, but making progress because I was in motion. I realized I was spending more time worrying about what I had to do, and if I was doing it right, more than actually doing it.

And right before I sat down to write these thoughts, I felt exhausted. I didn’t want to write anything and just call it an early night. I decided to lay down and felt the gratification instantly kick in. I was tired but still had thoughts racing through my mind. The only way I could truly relax was to meditate.

Headspace was the perfect solution in this time of fatigue. I worked my way up to 20-minute meditations, but often fell asleep if I was laying down. It’s not a deep sleep but rather a deliciously lucid state of mind. I began my meditation and as soon as I began to take those long deep breaths, I felt my worries melt away.

The power of a deep breath is grossly underestimated. The magic I feel when my breaths slow down my heart rate, to the point where I can feel a profound presence within myself, is indescribable.

And when I awoke, I was in a tranquil state of mind.

Ritual of Celebration

A few days posts back, I mentioned how I submitted a piece of writing to be published. It was a piece that I had started months ago but left unfinished in my drafts folder. It wasn’t until I began these daily thoughts, that I found the inspiration to complete the piece and send it off.

**I still haven’t heard from that outlet, but in the time since, I remained inspired and looked for new writing gigs. I can’t express how much this daily practice of writing, and publishing, has boosted my confidence as a writer. Not because I’m writing particularly well, but because I’m staying committed to pouring and releasing my thoughts daily. I feel so potent and daring. I’ve stepped onto the path of my potential and can feel the electric energy that surrounds it.

After submitting my work for a few gigs, today, to my surprise, I received offers for both opportunities. It didn’t feel real. These were prospects that I worked hard to get, but it felt inconceivable that both would come to fruition so soon. I am extremely proud of myself.

However, I will be honest. As high as I felt after receiving these two contract jobs, doubts immediately began to kick in. It’s not the first time that I’ve dealt with imposter syndrome. I started to wonder deeply about how I could overcome it and let it not get in my way. Then I remembered something my mom always tells me, “What is your ritual to celebrate the things you accomplish?”

I realized that I went from being ecstatic, receiving these gigs, to already getting in my head about how I would perform. I failed to celebrate my accomplishment and, more importantly, myself. How do I celebrate these moments? Can I take a moment and acknowledge the growth that I’ve seen within myself?

I don’t know what my ritual of celebration looks like. In this moment, it’s writing about it and acknowledging the tremendous amount of love and confidence that I feel within myself and my talents. This is a glorious moment of pause and reward.

As I continue to grow, I will celebrate often, daily even. Only I know what I’ve accomplished and if I don’t celebrate myself, no one will.

**Update: At the time this post was published, I was listening to “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker when I received an email confirming that the article I submitted will be published in April.

Don’t Force It

Today’s thoughts were supposed to be an insightful entry about a new topic, but I decided against it. I’ve been writing for the last hour, and something just isn’t clicking. So instead, I’m writing about what I feel in this moment which is, don’t force it. Here I thought I would be expanding my daily thoughts to speak about something other than my personal life, but no. And it’s not because I’m being hard on myself, but what I was writing felt undercooked. I wasn’t writing with conviction but rather what sounded good and that’s not what this space represents. And after staring at this white screen for so long, I decided to call it a night.

So, heed, take heed, take hed of what I’m saying, (Office fans understand). This is a sign that you shouldn’t force anything that doesn’t sit well with you.

That’s it for today. Let’s see what tomorrow’s thoughts will bring…

Paths, Delays, & Transitions

What do I do when I’m thrown off my path? I pause for however long I need to. I may stop what I’m doing and just sit in utter confusion, waiting to see how I’ll get back on track. Thankfully, I can say that as the years pass, the time of utter confusion decreases; my bounce back from the abyss continues to improve. Next step? I love a good reset day to pick me up. A reset, to me, is always represented by cleanliness. I’ll usually start with a wash day for my hair, braiding it in straight back cornrows. I’ll continue on with the laundry, which will eventually lead me to vacuuming and tidying up the house. Pouring myself into busy work allows me to break away from my expectations and dive into something familiar and comforting.

This will be one of those weeks. Unforeseen circumstances have nudged me off my path. What surprises me is how familiar it feels this time around. I don’t feel throttled or wobbly. In fact, it feels as if I am finally accepting how normal delays and transitions are in life. What’s coming up for me is the relationship that I have with, “my path.” A path would imply that there is a way already paved for you. And while in the past I believed that to be true, I’m starting to understand that it’s the exact opposite. We come from a path that is paved by us, but what lies ahead is uncharted terrain. And if that’s true, then whether I stay on my path or not is irrelevant because I am forging my path regardless.

Okay, I need a moment to let that sink in.